Answer Me

I wanted to call you today, even though I knew you would not answer.

It's been years, but I kept your number; I see it when I search for the digits of doctors, aunts, uncles and mom.

It's then that I allow myself a moment to pretend I could call and check to see how you're doing.

I picture myself dialing; you answer and we fill one another in on the new course of our lives.

We'd agree it had been far too long since we got together and make plans to meet at your place for dinner.  If it were like old times, I would be cooking while you kept busy, distracted with grading papers, but I wouldn't mind.

I have to remind myself that kitchen now belongs to the people who bought the place. They fill the air with smells that are not yours; but for a moment I can almost taste that chicken you loved to make...the one whose recipe I lost.

I should just forget the number: it probably belongs to some exhausted soccer mom, always on the run and wondering who I am to interrupt her mad rush into the store for milk and toothpaste before her toddler wakes up from his nap.

It is not as if I need to call ahead to see your new home, though it's door is always shut and will not open to me. I know it's yours because it says so in the letters engraved across its face.

I cry awhile, and try talking, but I have yet to hear you answer. I hold my one-sided conversations until I run out of things to say.

I carefully apply my lipstick and quietly kiss the open space next to your name before I leave; admiring how the bright color stands out dramatically against the dark stone.

Maybe one day when the grave yields up their dead you will see it and know I came calling.

Unanswered

Hello?

Am I the only one who feels stuck while the rest of the world rushes by my window?

There they go: busy...capable...full of life...bursting with energy and oozing with possibilities.

I stumble where others move on undaunted, unhindered, unfettered and unconcerned.

My days are unchanging; without drama and the bits that make for amusing stories. In the Book of Living I would not even merit a footnote; boring even to myself.

I want to fill my days with the fire I once enjoyed, but I struggle to lift my arms, my camera, my pen or my book.

...but in my dreams I dance among the tall grasses.

I am wandering over distant green hills and discover hidden glades of bluebells, and the woods reveal the secluded, dappled meadows that hide within their depths.

I listen to the wind as it caresses the leafy treetops; sharing secrets to the Robin nesting there.

Do you only live through dreams now too?

Will you please answer me?

...hello?

Snowy Observations

Newly fallen snow
Sparkling in winter sunlight
Turning shadows blue

Images of Winter

I haven't posted on here for far too long; something I plan to rectify this year (hello 2016 and a very warm welcome to you!).  As the word for this week is SNOWY I decided to post some of my all-time favorite shots of snow/winter that I have taken over the years.... they say a picture is worth a thousand words, so here is eighteen thousand words for you...

I hope you enjoy.

Lake Reflections, Winter 2013, Newport, WA

This was an early morning quick stop along the road on our way to Sandpoint (our usual route takes us through Coeur d'Alene, but as we had dropped my stepsister off at the airport in Spokane that morning we were taking a different route) ...I couldn't help but try and capture the fog over the lake.  In temperatures below freezing and without gloves Richard and I walked to the lake edge and I began snapping shots of the frozen marshland on the near shore.  The fog parted for a minute and I was amazed to see this building revealed on the far side, surrounded by frost and reflected so beautifully in the chilly waters...needless to say, this shot alone made the stop completely worth it.

All dressed up for Christmas, Winter 2014, Uniontown, WA

This darling sculpture is a favorite of mine and sits alongside the road behind a wire fence and greets the cars driving past the Dahmen Barn where local artisans have set up shop (totally worth stopping for! I could walk around the inside of that artisan faerieland for hours...three floors of various media artists' little shops and wares and many of them working on new pieces while you wander freely around them!)  

For the holidays the artist's deck her out in anticipation of Santa...isn't she sweet?  The little scrap metal cat that sits underneath her has been spotted wearing a scarf, but my camera battery died on me this trip before I could capture him as well.  It has since taught me to always keep extra batteries on hand and to keep them charged, because you never know when you might stumble across something absolutely priceless.

Cold Night, Winter 2008, Salt Lake City, UT

  Taken just south of Temple Square as we were walking back to our car...and boy was it cold out!  I had let Jason and Yancy get ahead of me so I could snap this, and I am glad that I did, as it is my favorite photo that I have taken.  Something about the stillness of the night and my brothers walking peacefully in it... somber I am sure from the lovely nativity we had just seen and the glory of the lights on the square (my first visit there).  Yancy was due to catch a flight back to New York in a few hours, and from here we drove him out to the airport, so this was a bittersweet moment, knowing that he was leaving after spending Thanksgiving with Jason and I.  

On a side note I was really surprised that my breath wasn't fogging up the camera lens and I held my breath as I took this, just to be sure.  

Country Road, Winter 2009, Provo, UT

I love capturing fog (in fact, if I ever have "fog" as the word of the week there will be at least one photo post as I have oodles of fog shots!).  Being so foggy out I decided to drive out to Provo Lake to try capturing the fog and ice, but I kept stopping along this back road to capture the road, and then a set of field sprinklers (that shot is a little further down).  This is also the same trip where I took pictures of some darling calves alongside the road (those are also some of my favorites, and one of those is also further down in the post).  It was an amazing day for photos and I returned to this drive in other seasons as well... and I never was disappointed any time I took this little drive.  The next time I visit Utah I shall have to take it again and see what I can find...several years have passed since I last drove here, and I doubt much has changed, but I find myself excited to find out!

I think this may have been one of the last photo sessions I had using my Panasonic Lumix camera as it was stolen out of my car shortly afterwards while I was grocery shopping....bummer too, because I really loved that camera.  It was the first digital camera I had ever purchased for myself, and, in spite of its attached lens, it took amazing photos.  

Still Waiting, Winter 2008, Temple Square, Salt Lake City, UT
  
Taken an hour or two before I captured "Cold Night"... I spent probably a good twenty minutes or so watching this darling man, a temple worker, waiting for his ride to come pick him up.  He paced back and forth patiently, smiling at the people who would pass him on their wanderings around the square, and often stopping to look up at the snow that was drifting down with (what seemed to me at the time) wonder.  I couldn't resist sneaking a few shots of him as he reminded me of my grandpa who had passed on years before this (love and miss you Grandpababy!).

I don't know if it would have spoiled the mystery, but I do wish I had gone over and spoken with him for awhile...

Temple and Nativity, Winter 2008, Temple Square, Salt Lake City, UT

If you ever have a chance to see Temple Square in Salt Lake City during the holidays, do it.... whether you're a Christian or not, the temple workers string lights all over the square and it is such a wonderful thing to wander around and gaze at the beautiful display of lights...the temple itself has spotlights year 'round and it just glows in the night so beautifully.  

Okay, forget just during the holidays... if you can visit any time of the year its worth at least driving past the temple at night just to see it lit up.  You can see it from the freeway, but its pretty dwarfed by the local skyscrapers.... go ahead.... take the exit ramp and get a closer look.... you won't be sorry.  Wander the grounds, you'll be glad you did.

Winter Sun, 2010, Provo, UT

The sun going down behind Provo Lake in the winter... much of the lake's edges freeze over, with the edges crunching up and water ice stacking in jagged mini icebergs on top of one another due to the wind coming down the canyon disturbing the water that hasn't frozen over at the lake's center.  Truly worth seeing.

On this day it was cold out, with an amazingly blue sky... I drove out on the jetty, passing a few die-hards who were out ice fishing off the jetty's boulder-strewn edges, and sat, watching the sun getting lower in the sky.  From out there I could only hear the wind across the ice and it was so peaceful, and exactly what I was searching for.  The winds died down close to sunset and the reflections in the unfrozen water were so wonderfully clear that I just had to capture it.

    

Winter Garden, Late Fall 2009, Springville, UT

Unexpected snow in the fall at my friend Cynthia's house...as you can see, the weather up until that point had been nice, and her garden was still blooming.  I don't think anyone had even noticed that I had arrived until after I had already spent fifteen minutes or so capturing the snow clinging to the blooms.

    

Calves, Winter 2009, Provo, UT

Taken on my winter drive out to Provo Lake...alongside the road were several calves, standing next to the fence, eating some alfalfa that the farmer had brought out for them.  They were just so sweet looking that I couldn't resist pulling over and taking their pictures.  I took dozens of shots, and patted some noses...some of the easiest models I have ever worked with, I had far too many good shots to choose from in the end.

Palouse Barn, Winter 2013, Moscow, ID

Easily the most photographed barn in all of the Palouse region...you will often find cars parked alongside the road and people getting out to take pictures in all seasons (mostly summer when its surrounded by the tall, green grains of alfalfa that the local farmer plants).  You can see its image hanging in most of the local businesses in the area, shot by one photographer or another.

I have photographed this barn in all seasons now, and in a myriad of different weather conditions, and I still find myself drawn back to take yet more shots of it.  Its been leaning severely for years now, and I hope it manages to last for many another year...the day it finally collapses will be sad, but I am sure that even then it will possess its current grace and beauty.

Frosted Gate, Winter 2013, Bear Lake, WA

I absolutely love Bear Lake, and whenever I find myself driving past (which isn't often enough, considering its a good couple hour drive north of me, and well out of the usual route for Richard and I to go to Sandpoint to visit dad, and even fairly out of the way (though not so bad) to go to Chewelah to see mom.  

This was taken on the same trip that I captured the lake reflections shot (top of this page), though I have taken pictures here in most seasons.  My favorite time of year to get shots of the lake, however, is fall, as it is surrounded by aspens and tamaracks that change color so beautifully and can be found reflected in the lake itself, and even the cattails along the eastern shoreline change color to a lovely deep orange and rust brown that is beautiful against the water's deep blue hues.  

At that time of the year, and during the winter, you usually have the lake to yourself.... also a wonderful thing, as it can be a busy swimming spot in the summer months, even if it is rather small.

Fall Meets Winter 2010, Orem, UT

Surprisingly enough, you really can take great shots nearly anywhere if you care to look for them... this was taken in the tiny grassy yard in front of a former employer, right off the freeway in Orem.

I loved the trees out in front of the office, and we had an early snow (which melted far too quickly, as the early snows do on the valley floor).  The property owner's grandsons hadn't been out to rake the leaves before the snow hit, allowing me to run out and capture shots of the newly fallen snow amongst the gorgeous fall leaves.  Sure enough, as soon as the snow had melted, the grandsons were out there raking everything up. I was so happy that I had thought to bring my camera to work with me that day!

   

Kitten in the Snow, Winter 2012, Springville, UT

I don't take pictures of people very often, but this little gal is one of my favorite people
in the world and I just adore her...she can have all the pictures taken that she wants! Not only is she incredibly photogenic, but she has an amazingly fun personality that really comes across in the photos.

This day was very cold, yet she took the cold in stride like a trooper, posing in different fields around town so that we could capture some shots of her beautiful prom dress in the snow.  I took lots of pictures on this day, and while there are many great shots in the bunch, I think this one is one of my favorites...she trusted me completely when I asked her to pose like this, just so I could add snowflakes drifting down afterwards.

    

Watching the Snow, Winter 2010, Orem, UT

My cat Samson (on the left) and Jasper (the furry defector who eventually decided he loved the roommate whereas he barely tolerated me), watching the snow fall.  Being indoor cats, and only experiencing whatever snow was tracked into the house, they were fascinated with it, often sitting in the window and watching it drift down for hours.

Of course, now that I have an upper floor apartment with a deck, Sam has discovered snow up close and personal, decided he doesn't like it and no longer seems to care for watching it.   

    

Along the Shore, Winter 2013, Newport, WA

Taken at the same lake where I captured Lake Reflections (top of the post)....this is the marshlands on the near side of the lake.  I love the contrast of colors in this shot, but man it was cold out!

    

Field Sprinkler in the Snow, Winter 2009, Provo, UT

Same country road drive as my Country Road and Calves shots above.  I saw this sitting in a field and loved the star-like design of the spokes, but I didn't think it would be much at the time.... it wasn't until I was going through my memory card later that I noticed how lovely the dark metal looked contrasted against the snowy backdrop.

It never ceases to amaze me how sometimes a thing that doesn't look like much at the time can become so much more when captured with a lens.

   

Dragon on the Mount, Late Fall 2012, Orem, UT

I was at one of Kitten's Lacrosse games, taking pictures when I looked up during halftime.... the clouds looked so much like a dragon looking back over its shoulder that I had to grab a couple of shots.  Thankfully, this one turned out and I love it!

   

Canadian Geese at Bear Lake, Winter 2013, Bear Lake, WA

Also taken the same day as the Bear Lake Fence, Lake Reflections and Along the Shore images (what an amazing day for photos!)  The lake was completely fogged in where you could hardly see a few feet in front of you, though we could hear what sounded like hundreds of geese, honking in the murk.  As we got closer to the shoreline the fog thinned just enough to be able to see that the waters were covered: geese were swimming in the water, as well as standing on the ice along the lake's rim, with every one of them chattering away like a symphony of kazoos.

It was amazing to be there, just Richard and I and the geese; we stood there freezing for over an hour, listening to the geese taking off and soaring above our heads, though we could only see their faint shapes as a darker gray against the fog, if at all.  Walking around the lake we realized that the surrounding fields were also covered with geese, all preparing to continue their journey to warmer lands to the south as the sun slowly rose behind us.

It is something I will never forget.

Living In An Inland Sea

I live in a sea

of green grass where dragonflies

soar like flying fish

Billowing - an experiment in editing

Today's post is an experiment... rather than go out and snap shots to fit the subject, I decided to search my portfolio and take four not-so-good shots and try to improve them by converting to black and white or sepia.   

  I used to be the kind of photographer who wanted to show the world with an unfiltered eye, but have slowly come to realize that sometimes editing is necessary as what we capture isn't always what caught our eye in the first place.  

It is interesting to see just how different an image can look with a little change in perspective... just like life.

This shot was taken out the window of an airplane.  
I  liked the way the top of the clouds appeared wave-like, 
but the original image was a smear of tans and pale grays that 

were very unappealing.  This one is definitely an improvement 
on the original, though its still missing something... I do like the 
shadow being cast from clouds higher above, which 

wasn't as apparent in the untreated shot.

I really liked how the clouds looked across the sky in this shot, 
but felt it needed something in the foreground to give it interest.  
The original shot captured the tree in grays, which was lost in 
the image.  A change to sepia tones helped everything to 
stand out from one another, but it could still benefit from a 
bird or two in the sky to give it some life.

I love how this one turned out... the original had the sky in 
pale blues and grays while the trees were a darker gray, 
making everything a bit muddy.  Changing to sepia tones 
brought everything into balance, and yet made what was 
early morning clouds burning off with the rising sun take on 
the appearance of a menacing storm.  Love it. It is amazing 

how a little bit of editing gave this shot new life.

Loss of color helped this shot a lot, as the original had a 

pale sky and the flag looked rather washed out and

 faded in color.  The only thing I would do to improve this 

is to take time to smooth out the wrinkles in the flag itself 

as it looks as if it hasn't always been properly folded and 

stored. Which is a shame considering the building I shot 

this in front of.

1. 
   

Worse than things going bump in the night....

Image courtesy of http://www.ceviu.com.br

I’ve been putting off this subject post for a long time now, seeing as how nightmares are a rather personal thing.  I feel that it is somewhat appropriate though that I post this today, seeing as this is my youngest sister Lucie’s birthday. 

Lucie is a fan of horror movies and I am not.  Luckily we have enough in common to compensate for this when we get together and want to watch something.  There are times, however, that she asks for something horror themed and I know that I am in for that creepy feeling as I walk to my car to head for home.  

You see, Lucie’s taste in horror is more along the lines of demons, ghosties and human possession rather than your average serial killer chopping up hitchhikers type of fare.  This is a bother for me in that I truly believe that there is more out there than what is easily seen, and I do believe that you can invite the wrong sort of feeling into your home when you embrace that kind of thing.

But I digress.  I wasn’t actually going to speak about horror movies today.

You would think that with my aversion to horror flicks that my nightmares would be tinted with ghouls and menacing figures, but most often they are not.  I rarely have nightmares, but when I do they are things that linger long afterwards.  You see my nightmares are of loss: the loss of my family, the loss of my friends… the loss of the people that matter most to me.

I know people will probably think heaps about my psyche and about how I have abandonment issues or some such garbage (I firmly do not believe in dream interpretation).  Rather, I believe it is because my family means everything to me, and it is precious.  It is something that I would fight to protect, so a dream where I am helpless to do anything is truly the worst horror that I can come up with.

Or so I thought...

So what does this have to do with my sister?  Well, I was 20 when she was born.  I watched my mom (who was in her 40’s at the time) struggle with health issues related to the pregnancy.  Mom had already lost a child in a previous pregnancy and there was of course that worry added to everything else.  The worst nightmares I ever had were during this period of time and one still haunts me even now, decades later.

In the dream I am faced by my mother and she is accusing me.  I am sobbing and trying in vain to apologize and find myself saying “it was an accident”.  In the dream I am responsible for the death of my brother, the child that in real life was stillborn (I won’t go into details because it isn’t important and also because it is very disturbing), but it was a highly detailed dream that carried over into the waking world, for when I awoke I was filled with the horror that I had actually committed murder.  

Needless to say I was up for the rest of the night….

I still find myself waking on occasion shaking and crying and filled with a conviction that I truly have killed someone; a feeling so real that I have to get up and walk away from the bed.  It takes time for reality to sink back in and allow me to calm down and reassure myself that it was only a dream and that I am not some horrible monster who has carelessly destroyed the life of an innocent baby and ripped a family apart in grief.

I have a good idea of what triggered this dream (something quite innocent actually) but it is something that I wish I could lose. To be haunted by something that has never happened is a terrible feeling. The fact that it has morphed over the years into something I wake up from only to find that I am still being accused (and realize upon waking for real that I only dreamt I had awoken) is just one more cruel twist of the knife.

Who knows, maybe it has served to make me a little more cautious than I would have been, but I can’t help but wonder if my mind could have come up with a nicer way of going about it.

Something involving prancing pastel ponies and orchards full of candy corn trees perhaps?