Wounds

Not all wounds are visible.

For example, I was at work the other day when my retired boss came in with his 5 year old grandson.

The grandson, who is absolutely adorable by the way, asked me if I was pregnant, because, hey, his mom is pregnant.

I replied that I wasn't.

He looked at me for a moment and then said, "Well, you have kids, right?"

My old boss looked appalled, but I smiled and answered, "No, I don't have kids. I do have cats though... does that count?"

"No," he retorted. "Only dogs count."

"Bummer... I don't have dogs."

"I have a dog. She's a little dog."

"Oh, so she's your little sister, right?"

"No! She's A DOG!"

Ah, the humor that is lost on little kids....

Later that day I received a text from my sister in which she asked me to guess who was pregnant. Excitedly I called her, eager to offer my congratulations, when she hesitantly told me it was a joke and that she was just now typing the reply "Kate Middleton."

Curses.

We talked about her having children in the future, and how I was moving closer to her and would be willing to watch kids anytime. We even cracked a joke about how she's going to get my name for the family Christmas drawing next year and how she'd better get cracking if she's going to provide me with the kid that I want so badly as my present.

Yeah, I was all but demanding space in my sister's womb so I can have kids.... I am definitely shameless.

The subject of kids keeps coming up around me. The boss's daughter is pregnant, the other boss's son is getting married to a gal who has a couple of children. My brother is having their second child, and I live in Utah where pretty much every other woman you see is either pregnant, toting around a baby or both.

Its been awhile since I've really been sorrowful over the fact that I can't have children... a feat that unwed teens accomplish daily all over this country. A feat that, despite education or love, or desire, I can't just achieve for myself. So it breaks my heart when I see people treating their children like something that they are burdened with, rather than the blessing that they are.

I am a firm believer that children should not only have two parents whenever possible, but that they should be allowed as much of a stable home as you can provide for them. Now that my husband and I have been married for a year I feel better about looking into adoption. With our moving home in the year to come it will be awhile before we are settled enough to adopt, but I also have to take into consideration the fact that I am no spring chicken. Maybe adoption isn't a step that will end up working out for us, and maybe I won't ever have children in this life, but at least I have the comfort that there are children in my life in one form or another.

That still doesn't stop the green-eyed monster of jealousy from rearing its ugly head every now and again.

I may keep a smile on my face, but I miss the family that I have not been afforded in this life. I am grateful for what I have been given, but I still can't help wishing for more.

So does that make me a monster? No, of course not. It simply adds me to the rank of all the women in the world who would love to have children, yet are unable to. The despair it can cause is intense and it can overwhelm you at any time. I know many wonderful women who are in the same boat that I am, and I have no idea why those who would make for some truly wonderful parents are unable to have children, when so many children are unwanted and abandoned.

So if you do have children, please take a moment to reflect on how blessed you are. Be mindful of those of us who are unable to share that particular joy, and everyone, please treasure every moment you have with your loved ones, no matter how close or far they are. You never know just how long you'll have with them.