Greening

I wake to a dim light peeking around the curtains, the house silent in the grip of dreamland.

These walls are so thin that I swear I could hear you breathing through them, so I slip out into the greening world as the sun slowly slides above the horizon. The last of the stars fading into the sunrise golden pink light.

The wind in the trees rustles as they speak with their neighbors, and the breeze plays with my sleep-touseled hair. Nesting birds stretch their wings and burst into song as the world awakens around me.

Grass under my bare feet is cool and dewed with mist from the sprinklers and I have a sudden desire to spread my arms wide, dive in and swim that green and fragrant sea, passing ladybugs drying their wings before searching for their aphid breakfasts.

With each slow stroke of my arms I feel that deep turning pain crack and flake away, drifting and sinking into the depths, like snowflakes in spring, melting and reborn as droplets of water as they land.

I want to stay soaked in that sweet sea, but I make my way to shore, back to the house and reality. The knob silently turns in my hand and I enter to the same dimly-lit thin walls, but something has changed.

The you-shaped void within me no longer feels so hollow and cold. Instead I find a greening bud unfolding in my chest and I curl to cradle the feeling protectively, but that isn't what buds need.

I unfold and turn towards the window, throwing the curtains wide allowing the sunbeams to dance across the ledge and I turn to face the light.

When You Have No Keys For The Lock

Have you ever felt like you are in a place where you are stuck and just spinning your wheels? I think we all find ourselves in that spot every now and then.

when you have no keys for the lock perhaps you should hit it with a rock

Sorry, this little rhyme just bounced out of me... and I just realized not only does it rhyme, but technically it's also a haiku. Go me.

It's not always settling when you are sitting and waiting and trying to think through what may be, but still haven't been handed all of the information yet. Like those jigsaw puzzles you buy in good faith at a yard sale only to realize it not only is missing some pieces, but someone tossed in a handful of pieces from a completely different picture.

It's not so much that I want to escape from life- I haven't been suicidal for decades, nor will I now that I have made my peace with most of my demons. The problem is, once you get tired of wanting it not to exist and smashing that damn thing open, you aren't always aware of what abominations might come crawling out to shake its ugly fist at you.

Yeah, that happened not all that long ago. After all of this time (the memory was from my teens) it was not exactly haunting, but instead surprising in an unpleasant way, and following in its wake came an uglier monstrous moment, one that happened a decade or so later. Both of the #Me Too variety. It's more a ghost of the moments though- I recognize that they can no longer harm me - I was honestly surprised that I had forgotten either event had happened to me considering both were pretty damaging at the time, both tumbling me into a deep depression. I am hesitant to see what else may find it's way out, but I also know that these are moments in time that I have already suffered over and survived.

Should I have bothered opening the box in the first place? I think so. I would rather remember so I can either cherish lost memories or brush them aside and leave them behind me. It has always bothered me that I hardly remember my childhood or teen years at all. There is not only bullying, torment and despair tucked away in there, but many good moments as well. Those I would love to have back rather than the fragments that rise to the surface on occasion.

I've tried therapy in the past, but never really knew what to say at the time so I really didn't get anything from it. Maybe i'll just continue on my own for awhile as that seems to work. Next time though, unless its something good, I probably should just keep the memory to myself. No need to horrify someone else again *I really am sorry about that Richard*