Have you ever felt like you are in a place where you are stuck and just spinning your wheels? I think we all find ourselves in that spot every now and then.
when you have no keys
for the lock perhaps you should
hit it with a rock
Sorry, this little rhyme just bounced out of me... and I just realized not only does it rhyme, but technically it's also a haiku. Go me.
It's not always settling when you are sitting and waiting and trying to think through what may be, but still haven't been handed all of the information yet. Like those jigsaw puzzles you buy in good faith at a yard sale only to realize it not only is missing some pieces, but someone tossed in a handful of pieces from a completely different picture.
It's not so much that I want to escape from life- I haven't been suicidal for decades, nor will I now that I have made my peace with most of my demons. The problem is, once you get tired of wanting it not to exist and smashing that damn thing open, you aren't always aware of what abominations might come crawling out to shake its ugly fist at you.
Yeah, that happened not all that long ago. After all of this time (the memory was from my teens) it was not exactly haunting, but instead surprising in an unpleasant way, and following in its wake came an uglier monstrous moment, one that happened a decade or so later. Both of the #Me Too variety. It's more a ghost of the moments though- I recognize that they can no longer harm me - I was honestly surprised that I had forgotten either event had happened to me considering both were pretty damaging at the time, both tumbling me into a deep depression. I am hesitant to see what else may find it's way out, but I also know that these are moments in time that I have already suffered over and survived.
Should I have bothered opening the box in the first place? I think so. I would rather remember so I can either cherish lost memories or brush them aside and leave them behind me. It has always bothered me that I hardly remember my childhood or teen years at all. There is not only bullying, torment and despair tucked away in there, but many good moments as well. Those I would love to have back rather than the fragments that rise to the surface on occasion.
I've tried therapy in the past, but never really knew what to say at the time so I really didn't get anything from it. Maybe i'll just continue on my own for awhile as that seems to work. Next time though, unless its something good, I probably should just keep the memory to myself. No need to horrify someone else again *I really am sorry about that Richard*
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