There Is No Ferry In A World Without Oceans

There it lay upon the nightstand, glistening wetly as if freshly plucked from the sea, and she knew if she were to touch her tongue to its porous surface that she would taste that salty brine even though the nearest ocean was hours away.

It always returned, this volcanic chunk of basalt. Always. Like some twisted lodestone unerringly driven to come home. Each time it was discarded or sold off (no longer done as it was too hard to explain how it eventually disappeared from a collectors collection only to reappear in her possession again) or destroyed it would play with her, staying away for days or weeks or months. Never a year though. It was always kept locked away, but that didn't stop it from turning up in random places.

It was the wetness that disturbed her. She had been sure this time it would not have returned, having dropped it herself and watching it sink into the fathoms. One would think so far from shore it would struggle to free itself from the muck of the sea floor and finding it's way past sea slugs, fishing nets and territorial borders to her very room. Even if it had surely it would not still be wrapped in that sheen of briny water.

She had no idea of how to break the hold it had on her, a Faustian bargain not of her making. She could feel the years of her life stretched thin like the skin above her thin wrist, so pale it was nearly transluecent. She would have cursed that ancient ancestor who had sealed her to this fate, but knew that they were damned enough already. She had read the journals, matriarch after matriarch, doomed to live out her hundred years of perfect health while the stone claimed it's due. Every seven years it claimed a life, a male of the line. They never knew who would be taken, be it son, nephew, cousin or uncle, the male line of the family were fair game and ripe for the taking.

She was determined to be the final victim of this damning cycle. It was years still she would be forced to endure before her time on came to a close, but she knew she could no longer wait for time to release its hold upon her. So she made a plan and set it into motion. She left the day and the time up to those hands she had given her token thirty pieces of silver, now all she could do is wait. Waiting was easy when one knew her days of suffering had almost reached their end.

And then it came. She did not resist as she and the stone were shoved into a box, the lid nailed shut and the sound of chains dragged across the surface. She endured the bruises as she and the rock slid into one another as the box tilted first one way and then the other as it was lifted carelessly and carried away. She had no idea and was not concerned about where they would end up, only rejoicing that her demise was one of her choosing and that she was nearly free.

The sensation of falling and the jarring thud as the box was thrown into the waiting pit knocked the air out of her, and she could hear wet sounds pouring down. A thin seam of wet concrete forming above her where the box and its lid met. What bliss, she thought. There is no way out of here for you now, she told the stone, and could almost feel it hunkering down and sulking, while loose dirt was shovelled in. When it finally went quiet she could imagine that there would be no trace left above to indicate where they lay.

So she lay quietly, ignoring the bruises and the urging of her bladder and waited for the air to go stale and send her drifting into oblivion. She had no idea of how much time had passed when she first felt movement at her feet and a soft scraping noise as the stone rubbed against the roughness of the wood.

There is no getting out, she told it, a strange and disturbing laughter coming from her chest, muffled in the close confines. Its just you and me now and always.

But the soft noises continued, and the scent of fresh sawdust tinged the staling air. Oh stop already, she told the stone. You'll wear yourself away to nothing digging through, that's concrete around us, there is no getting through it.

The box was too small for her to wiggle around and grab the rock, so she would just have to endure the noise until she passed beyond caring. She should have specified someting larger, and as she shifted her hips she couldn't help but think how she should have also mentioned padding or at least a pillow for her head. Still, a little discomfort was a willing trade for her early release from daily life.

The air grew stale and still she lay, fully conscious and growing annoyed at how long this was taking. Shouldn't she be at least growing tired or dizzy before the suffocating end came, but still she lay there, eyes open though she couldn't see anything anyway, and that persistent rubbing motion next to her right foot.

Not much time left, she told it, though a panic was slowly growing in her chest and she tried to clamp it down. There wasn't enough room in the box for her to fall to hysterics now. And still the steady scrape of stone to wood, and she realized she could now smell damp earth. The rough scrach softened to what she imagined an earthworm heard as they tunneled past one another in the garden.

Its gotten out of the box, she realized. It went underneath the concrete and was making its slow progression through the disturbed earth. She wasn't so bothered that it was making an escape as surely she hadn't much time left to her, trapped as she was. to worry. Let the rock become someone else's burden, she told herself, and make ready for your soul's release. It wasn't as if she was going to be trapped here with the damned thing for eternity anyway. Surely she had minutes only left to suffer with it.

The stone paused, turning as if to look back the way it had come. You have misjudged this, it said, no anger or malice in its tone. I may free myself and come and go as I please, you have no such luxury open to you. But you, had you but known the parameters of the bargain, shall remain. The bargain holds that you live, and live you shall until the hundred year mark is reached. Be content in your new home, for it shall be yours for many more a year still. And it turned back to its slow forward progression, inching towards the surface and the sunlight beaming down upon this spot of earth, a sign nearby proudly announcing the opening of a park opening in the fall.

But she had no way of knowing where she was, only the cold realization that she would spend decades in this cramped box with only the stone dropping by from time to time. She filled her lungs with what air was left around her and screamed and screamed until the air was gone and she was left alone and silent, hands fluttering around the tiny space around her as the years wore on around her. She could faintly sense the passing of time overhead in the soft thumps of children's feet overhead, their screams of delight muffled and unintelligible.

The stone came and went as it pleased, the men of the family still dying every seven years as agreed so long before, and she waited, knowing one day the end would finally arrive, it had to. The bargain had been made and would one day bring her release. But then the stone disappeared. She had no idea how long it had been since its last visit to her, but it didn't come. It must be close, she told herself comfortingly, it must be close to my soul's release, it can't keep me here forever, but without any sort of marker she had no way to count down how long she had left.

Time moved on around this tired little plot of land. The thump of footfalls changing over the years as the world above moved from cultivated playground to a derelict neighborhood where street thugs now loitered. One day even those were gone and she was left truly alone, the silence broken only by the persistent beating of her heart. Surely soon, she thought over and over again, it could not have forgotten me. Surely it won't be long now, not realizing that she had already done so for millenia now.

The world overhead strangely silent, a thick red dust constantly churning in the stiff breeze across a landscape erased through time. the sun only a faint glow that penetrated the atmosphere of a dry and empty planet.

From The Smoldering Ruins

Wow, that last post was quite the downer, wasn't it? It's probably the most open and honest I have ever been in my life, and, while hard to share with the world, it also felt good to finally let that sorrow see the sun.

Today. Sigh. While I would love to say my world is sunshine and roses and that the hole in my soul has healed, it hasn't. Not fully. The scars I have left are no longer gaping wounds, but there are pits and divots and caverns that have never completely filled.

Am I all doom and gloom? Heavens, no. I am not as sunny as I once was, but I can still joke and laugh and see the beauty in the world around me. I see the darker spaces in-between, but the world is still a gloriously beautiful creation that I am happy to be part of. I still get down in the dumps, and I still cannot, even after all this time, handle stress, but then maybe I never really could. I recognize now that "fight or flight" panic is an issue I have had for decades, and not something simply brought out because of Jason's death.

I still need to learn to ask for help, but I have never liked doing so. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately (depending on the day) my health hit a point where I am now considered permenantly disabled. What does that mean? I have no choice but to ask for help with things I never used to. I will be honest and admit I absolutely hate that. Really, who wants to have to ask for help just to take a shower or to change their clothes? But my condition has also forced me to slow down and allowed me time to think. I wasted far too much downtime allowing myself to be pulled down in the dumps, but I can see how this time has also reduced my stress in many ways. It's odd to feel thankful in some ways for my condition allowing me time to try and mellow out, but I still wind up far too easily. A simple timed game on my phone can throw me into a panic so quickly it's scary.

I never did speak with a doctor about going back on that stress medication, and my condition (why am I dancing around this? I have multiple conditions- Fibromyalgia certainly knocks me on my butt physically as my body is basically attacking itself all of the time and my inflammation markers are wildly high. I also have a condition known as Forstiers or DISH where my bones and ligaments are slowly calcifying. I am a mass of bone spurs and my spine is fusing, which creates all kinds of fun, and the slow calcification of my ribs means I now use oxygen as I cannot often get in a full breath. Oh, and then there is the severe depressive disorder I vaguely mentioned in my last post. Yeah, I am a rollercoaster of fun). But my Fibro causes brain fog so bad some days (not that my memory retention was ever stellar) that I couldn't tell you what all of the medications are that I am on now, let alone what I took a decade ago. In my defense back then I had no medical insurance, so it's not surprising that I didn't follow through on my health.

But that was then, and we are talking about now.

Today is a good day. Tomorrow is questionable. Mentally I am still a bit of mess, though I no longer feel like I am going to fall to pieces. I have days where I wish I could have the freedom to scream and let out what does build up, but it's nowhere near where I once was. I am, however, in more physical pain than I ever have in my life. That alone sometimes make me snap when I don't mean to. Add my depression, which has its own anger issues, and my poor husband never quite knows what he's coming home to. Am I going to be in a good mood and be in only moderate pain or will greater pain and frustration that day override my verbal filter?

Thankfully I am much more happy than sad, kinder than mean, but Richard certainly puts up with a lot of abuse, which kills me. I love him and hate to hurt anyone, especially him and definitely not like that. I have spent far too much of my life dealing with verbal and emotional abuse from others and I am appalled to know that I add to that destructive cycle.

For so long I stopped caring about the things that I loved to do and I lost many of the things that once caused me joy. It is hard to start building that back up, and even harder when you cannot physically do as much as you want. I no longer drive and cannot walk for any distance, or handle uneven surfaces, which is hard for a gal who loved landscape photography. Lack of focus makes reading hard sometimes as I often forget what I read earlier. Embroidery or knitting is a do-when-you-can sort of thing, as some days my arms are too weak or my hands too shaky for anything requiring dexterity.

A recent move has allowed me the room to start cooking and baking again, which I LOVE. Sure, pots and pans and mixers are heavy and hard to wield, but every successful meal or bake is totally worth it.

Christmas, and the holidays in general are not the same. Perhaps that's just adulthood settling in, but I used to be so excited for this time of year. I still love seeing the lights and the tree and smell the scents of the holiday, but it not longer thrills me like they once did. I mourn for that loss of childlike wonder, but I cannot say that all is lost. I still prefer giving over getting, and remembering the true reason for the season, and that part of Christmas has not changed.

I have started physical therapy again, though its different this time. In Washington State I had access to a swimming pool with treadmill, while here in New Mexico I go to a therapy office that is noticably lower tech, but I feel as if I get more out of it here. Maybe because it's strength training, but whew, I come out of there feeling chewed up...in an oddly good way. I can certainly tell the difference between when I started and now, which gives me hope that I will be able to continue doing more for myself down the line. I would love the freedom of being able to climb behind the wheel and drive myself anywhere i'd like to go. I always loved going for a drive and miss it terribly.

I am slowly working back towards becoming a more well-rounded person. Is it because we now share a house with my father, where I feel like I can't be a lazy bum all day? Maybe. Goodness knows it's odd after so many decades on my own to live with a parent again. I love being able to see him, but there are definitely times where I feel like I am about to get into trouble. With my mood swings he has asked me twice now if I need to go to my room! It makes me laugh though, and once I really did go to my room in a self-imposed time out, which did help immensely. I guess our parents really do know what is good for us sometimes.

I still miss Washington, but New Mexico is growing on me more and more. I think it's because here in the house I am establishing a halfway decent routine for myself. I no longer sleep in the living room of a small apartment,and here I come into a large living room with windows all around, so I feel myself surrounded by nature, given that we have a lot of trees here and live across from a field. We're on the edge of town here, literally a 3-minute drive from Walmart/Sam's Club, but it's rural, so it's like we are living in the country in many ways. I can feel a lot of tension leaving me on my good days when I sit here and enjoy the sun on my shoulders. Our living room is bathed in sunshine from sunrise to sunset here, which is amazing. I still need to get outside more, but on a couple of good days I was able to haul my wheelchair outside on my own and back in again. I couldn't have done that at the start of the year.

So I take whatever good that comes my way, and try to muster through the bad as best as I can. It's still a daily struggle to juggle the responsibilities we have taken on here, and I do have my days where I worry we've bitten off more than we can chew, but I am happy, mostly. I remain positive, however, that there is much more happiness ahead as I continue to try and push forward. All forward momentum is good, and I no longer have days like I did as a teen or young adult when I wanted nothing more than to stop the ride and get off.

Yes, I am talking about suicide. Mental health has never been my strongest suit, and I readily admit it now. Yes, I have had far more days that were filled with sunshine and warmth and dizzying happiness than the bleak, and it's those I most often turn to now. I remind myself that even when I was at my lowest that there was always something good around me as well. And there was always something wonderful later that I realize I would have missed out on. Even on my bad days, where everything physically is a ball of pain and my mood descends to match, I no longer consider laying this mortal body aside voluntarily. I haven't been that low really since I left my twenties, and thank goodness.

I've tried therapy, and found it useless really because I had no idea what to talk about. I had one gal I liked, but we never got far as this was during Covid. It was distracting that on our video conferences that she would spend her time knitting. She listened intently, and had asked if it was okay, but I started feeling like I was going on and on to a acquaintance who was content to let me ramble as I was paying for taking up her time. Maybe I should look into it again, but, given my previous experiences, I wonder if it's worth the cost. And my outlook is not as dark as it once was, though it would be lovely to one day be able to set aside the constant stress I have beneath the surface. To be able to feel my shoulders relax for once, which they don't. I am always tense as if waiting for another bomb to drop. I look to my past and I can understand where much of it comes from, but I just don't know how to let it go even though I am no longer in the abusive and bullying situations I was once in.

My best therapy is to write, it always has been, so it's a shame that i've denied myself that outlet for so long. When I was young I repressed it because it was easier to do so than to deal with how others viewed it. That sounds confusing, doesn't it? I've had people in my life that were upset with how easily words would hit the page for me, and I stopped because one person was sad about it, and then later another was angry. You know what? To heck with that. I love to write, and I should stop holding myself hostage to the ghosts from my past.

I need to find a way to imbed this as deeply as I can that IT IS OKAY FOR ME TO BE GOOD AT SOMETHING THAT I LOVE TO DO. I also need to STOP COMPARING MYSELF TO OTHERS. We each take our talents and dreams to where we want them most to go. I cannot feel lacking because my work isn't the same as someone else's. And it's odd, now that I think of it, I stopped doing many things because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but then I look at other people's talents and feel jealous myself. So I stop developing because of someone else's jealousy and also stop because I am jealous myself of others?

Yeah, I am messed up, but better late than never to figure that out, right?

Okay, time to get off of the soapbox. I have dinner to start soon and baking I want to get done. But it's been nice to get this off my chest and work some of this out. Had no idea you'd be a phantom therapist when you started reading this post, did you? What matters most is that I keep putting one foot in front of the other and my eyes on the horizon, while still stopping to smell the flowers along the way. Or, as it's the holidays, the baking cookies? I'd have said Christmas pine, but I hate cutting down living trees to decorate my home with, no matter how nostalgically delicious they smell.

So here I am, hot mess that I am, but I am still alive. More than I have been in years, but still hopeful and hopelessly flawed. But at least I am still able to pick myself up from the debris and forge ahead towards the future and whatever it holds for me.

Albiet with my fingers crossed!

The heart is the one organ you can break and yet it keeps on beating....

I admit I don't often preface my writings, but I feel I need to do so in this case. What you are about to read was written 10 years ago, at the lowest point in my life. Even now I still struggle with stress issues and what I will politely call melancholy, though it really has a rather unromantic sounding and very real medical name.
At this moment which you are about to read, I truly and completely was broken and had lost pieces of myself I wasn't sure I would ever regain. It rambles, yes, but this was truly me, sitting in front of a screen and trying vainly to make sense of the mess I was inside.
I never published this, as it is a very real look into a dark and bleak time. In my life I have always tried to present myself with just the sunny bits showing, leaving the ugliness inside and covered up. But we cannot live like that for always. Life is full of both the good parts and the bad. It's a balancing act that sometimes feels like it is tipped for the worst and will never recover, but that is just how depressive conditions tend to see things.
This one is going to be a two-parter. Part one, which you are about to read, is the bleakness. Part two, which will come in a day or so, will be how I am today, a decade later. This week's theme, surprising, given the subject matter, is ALIVE. It is my hope that by the time this week's theme is drawn again sometime in the future, that I can revisit this. With a lot of work and some good kharma on my side, I have high hopes (and fingers crossed) that maybe next time I will truly be as sunny as I like people to believe I always am.



Not all wounds are visible. Sometimes I wish they were… if someone were to see me walking around with the gaping hole where my heart once was, they could not possibly fail to acknowledge my pain was real… that my grief, was a blackness that overwhelmed me, often without warning.

I feel as if I was stumbling through my days in a fog. I can't remember what I ate (or if I ate), I double and triple check myself to be sure that I have not somehow forgotten to put on a shirt or socks or some other necessary garment, because I can't stop recognizing that a large part of me is now missing. I wander into stores in a daze and wander out again with a cartload of groceries, not even certain what I just purchased or if I even remembered to buy the necessities (cat food, deodorant)… I have no idea of how long I had been in there, just wandering the aisles. I couldn't even remember when the last time was that I eaten a piece of fruit or something that was more healthy than bad.

It seems like its been years that I have been like this… This has been a very lousy year for me, and I, for one, am more than happy to see 2012 go and never rear its ugly head again. I have always considered myself fairly even-keeled, but this year really kicked me in the teeth.

I guess it really started just over a year ago. I got married; something that is supposed to be the happiest day of a girl’s life… and it was. But I had a lot of s

tress planning things out, and my load at work was increasing as well. I was in the ER the day before the wedding, and went back in the following weekend for stress-related issues. By the time Christmas rolled around I was a mess…. I was working insane hours and got to a point where I was crying from exhaustion and flying off the handle over any little thing because I JUST COULD NOT HANDLE ONE MORE THING ON ME RIGHT THEN.

We hired a co-worker and things eased up, but my stress levels were still a mess… so much so that my doctor put me on medications to help take the load off as my body was incapable, at that time, of regulating itself. I started easing up, stopped being so much of a witch, and, by summer I began to feel as if I was finally regaining some control over my life again….

….and then my brother died. The person who has known me the longest and, up to this point, best in this life. The one person who fills nearly every childhood memory I have..... and who I had grown to consider my best friend now that we were adults.

I admit I held it together for as long as I had to - and when I finally allowed myself to fall to pieces, all these months later, I did so with pretty spectacular results. I ended a friendship that had gone on for the majority of my life. I finally put my foot down to the people making so many demands on me and said “enough” (though I feel hideous for both actions). I spend my days feeling like I was falling to pieces all over again… and that’s probably not even close to being an accurate description of my state of mind.

I am a walking war zone…. there are days spent without bombs thrown by either side; I can look past the ruins and see the beauty that still exists around me. Other days the bombardment starts again and the world is nothing but loud noises, smoke and devastation. Steam rises from craters where once green meadows lay.

Maybe I am made up of glass.... so clear that you can see the fractures that run right through me. If you were to tap me would I ring hollowly, like a bell? Am I so delicate that the slightest wind would fracture me into a thousand pieces? Like Humpty Dumpty, there would be no putting my life together again into what it was before, because that girl is gone... just as the person who had always been there in my life is gone. Gone to a place that I am unable to follow at this time. I know that I will be with him again, but that does not make this broken thing that was my heart beat any easier.

I wonder some days if I should go into counseling…. But then, what would they tell me that I don’t already know?

I wonder if I should speak to my doctor about going back on the stress meds…. I sigh, and realize that I probably should. Anything is better than the wreck and ruin that I am now. I hate medications, but I have to admit that I am foundering a lot right now, and need something to help clear my head. I am sure that the holiday season isn't helping, since this was our favorite time of the year.... and I know that time will help heal the pains that I feel, but there will always be a scar where that missing piece once fit.

What a mess life can become when you least expect it. I should be happy, thrilling to the marriage that should still be in its honeymoon stage. Instead I find myself constantly in the dumps; crying hysterically in the car on my way home (I wonder what must go through the minds of the drivers around me who probably can’t help but notice the girl falling to pieces in the car alongside of them). The girl who freaks out with the least provocation. Who can’t seem to handle the least of tasks without feeling defeated… who can’t help but wonder if everyone around her is sick of watching her not regaining control and let all this go… the girl who wonders why the whole world isn't flooded by all the tears that she's shed.

I try to be kind to myself right now.... to allow myself the comfort that I don't want to trouble others for. I know that life will go on, and that while I am going to be in pain for a long time, that I will one day build a bridge over the hole that will remain. It still doesn't help me to stop missing you.... and missing the girl that I was when you were here.

I don't think I ever told you thank you enough for all you did for me... for all the times you listened... for all the times you cared. I miss you so much... even all the little things that used to annoy me I would gladly put up with again. But wishing isn't going to change things. Wishing will not bring back our weekly dinners.... or your "surprise" birthday parties for me where you would fill the house with all of your friends.... or the even less of a surprise parties where you'd give me a list of who all to invite for your own birthday. It would not bring back long talks... or the new closeness we started right before you went away. It will not bring back any of the countless things we shared over the course of our lives.